Tears

I would think most of you would probably not be surprised if I said I don't cry very often. Well, OK I cry more than my husband but not on a frequent basis. When a movie or book starts to pull those kind of strings I step back remind myself it is fiction and get a grip. If I am feeling it at church I fight as hard as I can to keep those tears in their rightful place, on the inside of my head. I am way too tough to cry over an injury. Stressful day? I tend to just act angry instead of cry.

I do believe elevated hormone levels are just a world to themselves and do horrible things to me. I do admit to getting irrational and weepy when hormones are out of wack.

But back to normal Vanessa, I am just not a big crier. I don't like it.

I went to a funeral yesterday. I have been to many a funeral in my lifetime. My father used to be the bishop at our church and took us along to funerals and viewings for people I really didn't know all the time.

I did, however know this particular person. As I sat there fighting my tears, I was pondering in my heart what makes death so sad? I KNOW with all my heart what happens after. It isn't that big of a deal. This man was prepared. He and his family had been sealed together for time and all eternity.

Why do I not cry? Why do I feel the need to bury tears? Why do I feel uncomfortable with others seeing me emotional? What good does it do to suppress them?  What do I accomplish in hiding my real emotions? Does it help someone else if I don't cry? Do I make someone feel better by appearing emotionally unattached?- Even if deep down I am ripped apart? Why do I feel stupid for crying sometimes?Why am I concerned at all about the impression others get when I cry?

When I thought about the man who had moved on I wasn't really that sad, not for him. Tears were for-



The nephew singing " I am a child of God" and starting to cry.
My dear friend, the man's son, who had just came back from Afghanistan now burying his father 2 weeks later.
Listening to the letter of the missionary son who chose to remain on the mission he had started 3 weeks ago instead of return for the funeral.The missionary who would return to a fatherless home in 2 years.
The daughter holding her 3 week old infant.
The 2 children still young enough to be at home and need a father.
The woman who will now have to go on without his physical presence at her side.

So I let go. I cried. I cried that I wouldn't see him again or talk to him. There were tears for his family now having to fight through this world without his stability to watch. There were tears for death in general. But most of my tears for memories. Memories and missed opportunities, for holes that were left behind, for grieving survivors. Aunt Brenda, of Hiram, and Ben, my Grandpa, my father-in-law who I never got to build a relationship with. For the friend who was widowed at 4 months pregnant. My little sister Natalie. My own father who never got to meet his grandchildren in this world. I cried. I don't care if I made anyone uncomfortable. I needed to cry and I did. And I intend to do so more often.

Funerals are for the loved ones. For those left to pick up the pieces.I am learning that now, maybe my father was wise in taking us along. He helped me understand death wasn't a big deal for the dead, now we have to help the living.

It's election time!

In case you are unaware we are coming up on an election! That means that every 3 commercials will tell us all about what is wrong with our country and then tell us who is going to fix those problems. Just like they did 2 years ago, and the 2 years before that. I guess they forget what they are fixing once elected.... Anyway, today I wanted to discuss some of these commercials.

Here is my generic rendition:
"If he is elected this (insert random item or service) is going to cost more than ever! He is going to do this when we can least afford it!"( Then they say vote for this other person, or call him to tell him to vote against it.)

As you can see I have left a lot of other things they do out of my commercial. My focal point here is the "When we can least afford it" portion that is in nearly every ad I hear.

Let me see how clearly I can put this:
I am against the government raising, or changing things that are going to increase cost at ANY time. Whether I can afford it or not is irrelevant. I also don't care if someone else can afford it or not. Tax cuts and the likes are not some kind of favor or charity they give us.

I can accept there are things that they need to fund. Our national security being one. Much beyond that however is none of their business.

That is money not theirs to spend.

I find it infuriating how they use it to set us against each other. So whether I have just gotten a 20$ raise and can now afford things much more easily, it is still not a time for them to interfere and raise costs, or taxes.

Parent tactics and fails.

This evening I sent my children to go brush their teeth. I found Naomi and Caleb looking at books in a bedroom. Instead of yelling at them I reminded them that they were supposed to be brushing their teeth. I then turned off the light to give them incentive to get to the bathroom. While they were on their way to the bathroom I turned to my husband who was coming up the stairs to tell him about how I had avoided yelling and how please I was with how well it worked.

Then I walked into the bathroom.

Only to find those two sitting in the bathtub together looking at the same book.

Spoke too soon.

Toddler conversations.

Caleb:" I want the broken gun."
Me: " I don't know where it is."
C : "I want it."
Me: I don't know where it is."
C: " I want it."
Me : "Well go find it. I don't know where it is."
C, whispering : "I want it."

Anyone else feel like this conversation isn't getting very far?

This moment.

My 2 year old decided to paint the the big picture window with a strawberry.

Now I am going to eat Chinese food for lunch, while I try to watch squirrels in the backyard through my hazy window.

Church today

I am sure church today was very uplifting. I wouldn't really know since I missed most of it.

Caleb stuffed a dried blueberry up his nostril and I spent most of the meeting in the hall with some friends trying to remove it before it re hydrated and swelled larger.

I am sure it was a great meeting.

Time.

Here in this life we all get the same amount of time in the day, in the week, month and years. Everyone gets 24 hours each day, 60 minutes per hour. In this time we have things we must do.
We have things we want to do. Plus a few things that just seem to happen whether we want them to or not.
At the end of the day some of the most common sources of relaxation are watching TV and goofing off online. Both can be quite enjoyable. There are however other hobbies of pleasures that seem to have a bad rep. Obviously these are not exact quotes but you have most likely heard the same sentiments or felt them before.

• "Video games are such a waste of time."
• "What a bunch of geeks, playing role playing games."
• "Comic books are for nerds."
• "Wow, you have way too much time on your hands if you are spending it painting miniatures."

Here are some thoughts going through my head on the subject. ( I know you have been begging for me to weigh in on this for a while now... )

• When you play video games, you are actively participating.
• When a group of role players get together they are interacting with other human beings.
• Some comic books have really great stories and morals in them.
• Miniatures give you a real physical product you can handle when you are done.

Now there are people who take any of these things to extremes. We all know someone who does something to the point where they have lost balance.

I have a few questions about these past times.

• Why is TV watching considered a perfectly acceptable use of time? Please consider

1. There is no generally no human interaction
2. The morals are frequently questionable
3. There is no way to participate
4. You have absolutely nothing to show for the time you spend there

So... painting a miniature is a complete waste of time- but watching House is not? At least later on in life I could actually give it to someone. It is hard to pass on what I just sat back and absorbed.